New Normal

The last few days were much busier than normal. I really pushed myself on Saturday and had an entire day out and about. Then on Sunday I even managed to make it to a brunch with friends. For the first time in months I was very active on the weekend and boy, can I feel it.

It’s already Tuesday and I’m still so worn out, but that’s okay. Being more worn out is going to be my new normal and I’ll adapt in time.

Yesterday I saw my heart failure specialist and we went over the official report from my test on the 18th. As I was previously told, my heart is severely limited but they are optimistic that adjusting my defibrillator settings could provide me with a better quality of life. However, not overly optimistic, so we have started preparations for heart transplant.

Heart transplant is likely going to come down to my choice. Either I can choose to live this very limited and exhausting life or I can get a heart transplant. Having a transplant could give me a better quality of life but could also lead to an early death.

I mean, no one makes you get a heart transplant.

So I’m at peace with this outcome, for now. I am trying to do as much as I can daily, and hopefully I can find a rewarding and sustaining lifestyle. One that is both meaningful and manageable in my current state.

This was never the life I imagined for myself. If you would’ve asked me a year ago where I’d be today, I would’ve told you that I’d be in college  working on finishing my Bachelor’s in business management, while still working at Texas Health Resources. I would’ve told you how excited I was about my upcoming surgery on November 8, 2016 and how optimistic I was that I’d be able be more active, maybe even able to play recreational softball come the spring. I probably would’ve even included how I was planning to take a microblading class in January so I could have a side job, that brought in good money. Last October, I was having high hopes for my future. Everything I have been planning for the last four years was still on track, and I knew I was going to achieve everything I wanted to by 30.

That was another life.

Today I am a 25-year-old who has had to file for disability, being approved is my only hope of having a sustainable and consistent income. Not only that, but my only chance of having insurance after my 26th birthday. I literally am on track to having to identify myself as disabled and that just makes me feel very sad, as well as guilty. However, I just have to learn to embrace this new life and make the most of it. Because as I’ve learned, things can and eventually will, always get worse.